Without You
by TMShipper
Summary: Tony and Michelle deal with their feelings during Day 4 and after
1. Default Chapter

She couldn't believe he had just said that.

"Seeing you today has made it worse."

Those words ripped through her heart like a thousand swords. Tears began to well up in her eyes and she fought to keep them at bay. She couldn't let him see her cry, couldn't let him know that he had hurt her.

Since the divorce, she had learned to build up a wall against her pain, against the hurt that she felt from not being able to hold him. Living without Tony these last six months had been like living in hell. She couldn't decide if living with him and his drinking or living without him was worse. She couldn't escape from the thought of Tony. Everyday at work there was always something that brought back memories of him. Nights were worse. She had not slept through the night since the night she had left. Every time her hand moved to the other side of the bed and felt the cold emptiness she broke into tears.

And now after working so hard to forget he was here, three feet from her. She could tell he hadn't shaved in awhile and had put on some weight, probably from the alcohol. Yet listening to his husky voice brought back memories of that voice saying, "I love you" or "I'll never let anyone hurt you." Was it possible what Audrey said really true. Could this man she saw in front of her be the same man she still loved so deeply. She stopped herself, she couldn't think like that. Clearly he hated her for leaving him. She knew she would never have him hold her again.

He couldn't believe he had said those words. As soon as they had left his mouth he regretted it. He could tell they had hurt Michelle and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He didn't even mean what he said, at least not how it sounded. The last six months had been hell. Life without Michelle wasn't worth living. He couldn't even remember why he had turned to alcohol in the beginning, but now it was all he had left.

But seeing her today hurt him so much, not because she brought back bad memories, but because seeing her reminded him of everything he didn't have anymore. But that wasn't what came out. Instead he had said something hurtful and he could tell he had struck a nerve and hated himself for it. Since he had seen her walk into CTU almost an hour ago all he could think of was her. How he missed her touch, her kisses, her kind words.

She looked harder, more guarded since the last time he had seen her. He knew it was all a front, he could see the pain that was in her eyes and he knew it was because of him. There was not a bone in his body that did not ache with love for Michelle and he wanted so much to tell her he was sorry. He wanted her to fall asleep in his arms and just take in her beauty. But he knew this could never happen, he knew she hated him for pushing her away and shutting her out. As he walked out of her office one single tear rolled down his cheek because he knew he had lost forever.

As he walked out of her office a single tear rolled down her face. She shook it off and sat down at her desk. She knew she had to stop thinking about Tony to get through the day. Almost immediately her phone rang.

"Dessler."

It was Secretary Heller speaking rapidly with fear in his voice. "Michelle, we just heard from Paul, the commandos from Mclennon-Forrester took Jack and the information he had."

This was bad. Jack was the only one who could get a lead on Marwan. "I'll be down in a second." As she shuffled down the stairs thoughts of Tony had left her, at least temporarily.

"What can you tell me?" she asked Curtis, Edgar, and Tony.

"Paul said that Conclon one of the head men came into the ammunition building they were hiding in, overtook, Jack with an electric tazer and dragged him out of the building." Curtis answered.

"Is there anyway we can locate Jack?" Michelle asked.

"Well we're in luck, before the EMP was released Jack set off the GPS on his phone and somehow we still have the signal." Answered Tony.

Hearing him speak with such authority stirred feelings in Michelle that she hadn't felt for a long time. Gathering her thoughts she spoke, "So we can just send one of our agents in and get him."

"There is one problem with that. McClennon-Forester designed the latest computer for CTU and they have every employee's photo, retinal scans, and fingerprints. None of our people will be able to get near that place." Said Edgar.

"What about me?" answered Tony. "I wasn't an employee here during that time, I haven't even worked for the government in over a year and a half, they're not gonna have a record on me."

"You also haven't been in the field for over a year and a half, you've been on the couch watching television and drinking beer." She couldn't believe she said that and regretted it immediately. "Tony…I ah didn't mean…"

"Let's face it Michelle, I may not be the best for this just I'm the only one you've got."

Michelle could tell Tony had been hurt by her words and his voice sounded angry. She knew he was right but couldn't stand to think of him being in the field. However, she recognized Tony was Jack's only hope. "Okay, I'll call tech and get you set up with what you need, while we're waiting I need to see you in my office."


	2. Chapter 2

Her words had stung him. Hearing her speak about his drinking problem made him cringe. He could hear the hurt in her voice and hated the fact that he had done that to her. He found it hard to concentrate on the rescue mission for Jack while having all these thoughts on Michelle in his head.

"Tony, I'm sorry."

Her words brought him out of his thoughts and back to reality. "Don't worry about it, what did you need to talk about?"

"CTU will provide you with a car and a tracking system. Once the signal stops wait ten minutes, contact me and we'll be able to get you infrared satellite coverage."

"Alright that's fine." He wanted so badly to take her in his arms and tell her he would be fine like they used to do. He searched her eyes for any sign of wanting this but all he saw was the cold look of steal. As he got ready to leave he wished for Michelle to tell him to be careful, to hear her say anything positive to him. As he opened the door he thought he heard Michelle say something. He turned his head and their eyes locked for a second and for a moment he thought he saw the wall come down and a look of love. But as soon as it was there is was gone against and he walked out the door."

"Be careful," she said to herself, but when he turned around she was afraid he had heard. As he turned to look at her she saw his deep brown eyes and looked for the love she was so used to seeing, but all she saw was a hollowness that scared her.

Seeing him walk out the door caused her heart to ache. Even after all that had happened she was still so scared that if Tony went on this mission he wouldn't come back. She wanted him to wrap his arms around her and tell her it would be okay—that he would be back. Then he would put his hand on her cheek and brush her stray hair out of her face and kiss away the tears that would be streaming down her cheeks. Memories began flashing into her head. She couldn't live like this, she needed to move on, but she knew she couldn't.

As Tony was briefed by tech, he couldn't help but think about those few seconds that he and Michelle's eyes had met. As he was leaving he looked up into her office and took one last look at her before he left. There was a part of him that wished he would rescue Jack but somehow die in the process, at least that way he wouldn't have to live with the pain of not having Michelle.

While he was following Jack's signal, Tony's thoughts kept drifting back to Michelle and how much he loved her. Why did he start drinking he kept asking himself? Why did he have to be so stubborn and prideful? He could have let Michelle into his thoughts; he could have opened up. She wouldn't have judged him; she would have loved him and helped him through it. But he had been closed and shut her out. Instead of turning to someone who loved him, he turned to something that destroyed him.

In the middle of his thoughts the tracker stopped moving and Tony looked at his watch to mark off when ten minutes would be up. The minutes seemed to take forever to change but finally they were up. Tony pulled out his cell phone and dialed Michelle's number.

"Dessler"

"Michelle it's Tony."

"Is everything okay?" There was a hint of panic in her voice, which

Tony noticed.

"Yeah, the tracker's been stationary now for ten minutes so I'm going in." Feeling like he needed to say more, he added in a softer tone, "everything's gonna be alright Michelle." He paused briefly, "with Jack I mean."

"Thanks Tony." There was a pause, "be careful."

He couldn't believe she had said those words, the ones he had been longing to hear. Maybe she could tell how much he still loved her; maybe she could forgive him after all. No he thought, she just needed Jack to come back safe; it wasn't personal. As he shook off the false hope that he felt, he got out of his car and approached the building.

She couldn't believe she had let herself say those words. She had felt them since the mission had been planned but she didn't think she would tell him. It was too personal, brought back too many memories. But hearing him say her name like that she had to let him know she cared. Knowing that he was entering the building was killing her but all she could do now was wait.

Tony had traced Jack to a warehouse in downtown L.A. He was dressed in street clothes in hopes of blending in. he surveyed the building and spotted two guards. Quickly readying his gun, he screwed on the silencer and quickly took out two perimeter guards. He picked up the radio off one of the dead guards. A transmission of Jack's location was being sent through so he quickly headed off in that direction. Walking quickly and carefully to evade being seen, Tony made his way to the room where Jack was being held. There was one guard and Tony took care of him quickly. He used the key card to get into the room and began to un-strap Jack.

"Tony, what are you doing here?"

"Saving your life"

"Tony they destroyed the information, we're got nothing."

"It's okay Jack, lets worry about getting out of here."

As the two made their way out of the building, Tony had to help Jack along due to his injuries. When they were almost out the door, Tony spotted a room with a couple computers in it. Looking over his shoulder Tony used the key card and he and Jack slipped into the room.

"Jack do you think these computers may contain the backup files?"

"It's worth checking out."

As Tony scanned through the files he knew they had found what was needed. He quickly stored it on a flash drive and they hurried to the exit. Right as they were at the doors two guards come at them yelling. Tony reached for his gun but the guard was quicker. As the bullet hit him in his shoulder, all Tony could think about was Michelle. He hit the floor but by that time Jack had gotten both the guards down. Jack grabbed Tony up and led him out to the car.

"We've got to get back to CTU and give them this information," moaned Tony.

"Not before we get you to a hospital, you'll go into shock before we reach CTU. I'll call Driscoll and let her know."

The pain was almost too much for Tony, he wasn't sure how much longer he could remain conscious. "Driscoll's gone, Division sent Michelle."

Jack looked at Tony and could see the pain that was in his eyes from this. "Well then I'll let her know to send someone to the hospital to pick up this flash drive. He picked up his cell phone and dialed Michelle's number.

"This is Dessler."

"Michelle it's Jack."

"Thank goodness, do you have the information?"

"Yeah we got it and more. But listen. Tony's been shot and he won't be able to make it back to CTU so you're gonna have to send someone to the hospital to pick it up."

Tony was having a hard time concentrating on the phone conversation and all he could think about was whether Michelle even cared he had been hurt.


	3. Chapter 3

The words echoed in her ears, "Tony's been shot." She felt like her world was coming out from under her. She knew she shouldn't have let him go. Thoughts raced through her head about now bad it was. Jack hadn't said he was dead but she could tell there was panic in his voice. It took all the strength she had to refocus her thoughts on the information. It needed to be retrieved and she was going to get it. She ran out of her office and found Secretary Heller.

"Sir, Jack Bauer just phoned, he and Tony are headed to the hospital but they have the information."

"Are they okay? Why the hospital?"

"Jack said Tony has been shot." She had to fight to keep her voice from cracking. "If you don't mind sir, I'd like to go get the information. I'm trained in computers and could transmit the information back to CTU straight from the hospital."

"Of course, in fact take Audrey with you, she's pretty good with computers herself and you look like you could use someone to drive you there."

"Thank you Secretary, I'm leaving right now." She walked up to get her jacket and keys and as she was opening the door Audrey met her.

"Hey are you ready?"

Michelle could hear the concern in her voice and was bothered by it. She felt like it was a false concern for after all Jack was fine. Tony was the one who was hurt and could possibly be dying. She pushed the feeling out of her heard and focused on Audrey's question. "Yeah I was just leaving now."

"How about we take my car, I'll drive and that way you can get your computer set up."

Michelle really appreciated this, she knew Audrey could tell she was shaken up about Tony and was grateful to not have to concentrate on driving. The drive took about 20 minutes and it was probably the longest 20 minutes of her life. At every red light she thought about the blood that Tony must be losing. She couldn't stand the thought of knowing Tony might die without knowing how much she still loved him.

Audrey tried some small talk; Michelle answered with one or two words and retreated back to her thoughts. When they finally reached the hospital Michelle grabbed her computer and she and Audrey raced into the ER. Michelle looked lost so Audrey went to the front desk and asked where agent Almeida had been taken. The nurse directed them to exam room 2 where Jack was waiting.

"Jack thank God you're alright." Audrey bit her lip when she realized how that must have sounded to Michelle.

"Do you have the information ready?" Michelle asked too scared to ask about Tony and why he wasn't there.

"Yeah it's on this flash drive, you should be able to pull it up without a problem."

Knowing that Michelle couldn't bring herself to ask about Tony, Audrey asked the question that she knew Michelle was wondering. "So, how's Tony?"

Michelle was grateful for Audrey now, thankful that she didn't have to ask because had she, the floodgates would open and her emotions would be released.

"He's in surgery, the bullet is in his shoulder and he's lost a lot of blood. The doctor says he'll make it through he just needs to get through surgery."

Michelle couldn't believe what she was hearing; Tony her Tony was in surgery, he had lost large amounts of blood. She couldn't take it anymore, she set her laptop down and walked out of the room. Audrey was about to go after her when Jack grabbed her arm and held her back.

Michelle went to the first empty exam room she could find and began to sob. She couldn't control her emotions any longer. Tears streamed down her face, she couldn't get a grip. She just kept thinking about Tony and how he could have died. She heard a knock and turned to see Jack in the doorway. Trying to cover up her tears was hopeless; she met his stare and just cried more.

Jack loved Michelle like a sister. Ever since that day she had trusted him for no reason he knew she was special. The day she and Tony got married he had given Michelle away and couldn't have been happier for his two friends. He was glad that they had found love like he had with Terri. When he had learned of Tony's alcoholism it broke his heart, he didn't want the same pain to come to them as had come to him and Terri. He hadn't turned to alcohol but to his work. He drove Terri away but had been lucky enough to get her back before she died. He wanted so badly for Tony and Michelle to be happy again, he could see both the pain and the love that they both felt towards each other.

Jack took her in his arms, "Everything's gonna be okay Michelle, Tony's tough and he'll make it through."

She tried to calm herself down so she could talk to him. "Thanks Jack, it's just…I…I love him so much and I hate that I can't help him. I'm scared to death that he won't make it through and he'll die thinking I hate him."

Jack took his hand and wiped her tears away. "Michelle he's gonna be okay. Maybe now you two can see how much you still need each other. Tony's crazy about you and is in so much pain not being with you."

Hearing this made Michele cry even more. Jack put his arm around her and they just sat on the exam bed. Michelle put her head on his shoulder and just cried. They sat like that for about ten minutes when Audrey walked in. She paused for a second before she told Michelle that the flash drive had loaded.

"I hope you don't mind but I sent it to Edgar over socket number 2."

Wiping the tears from her eyes she thanked Audrey and pulled herself together.

"The doctor came in and said Tony was out of surgery and is in ICU."

Hope filled Michelle and she felt a sigh of relief leave her mouth.

"I'll call my dad and give him the news, you two go see Tony."

"Are you sure Audrey, I should be doing this."

"No of course I'm sure…go."

"Michelle you go up, I'll be up in a little while."

"Thanks guys."

As Michelle climbed the stairs to the ICU her thoughts were racing. Memories of her life with Tony rushed through her head.


	4. Chapter 4

Ever since the kiss in the corridor Michelle had known Tony was the one. The months that they had been together had been the best of her life. Tony was so sweet and caring. She had never had anyone who made her feel as safe as he did. It was tough finding time to spend together between rebuilding CTU and the extra workload due to loss of personnel.

But the time they did spend together was amazing. He would take her out to all the romantic spots in LA. But her favorite times were when they would leave work together, rent a movie, and go back to his place. They would lie on the couch together and he would hold her. She felt so safe lying in his arms. He would whisper the sweetest things into her ears and tell her how much he loved her. They would frequently end up falling asleep together on the sofa. The first few times it happened she would wake up around two in the morning. She would quietly gather her things, kiss Tony on the cheek and whisper an I love you as he groggily woke up. He would tell her she could stay but she couldn't go to work the next day with the outfit from the night before.

After about a month Michelle had fallen asleep on the couch so at 11 o' clock at night he scooped her up in his arms and laid her in his bed. She woke up and looked at him. She tried to argue, told him she had to go home, that she needed her stuff. And then he stepped to the right revealing a new business outfit, panty hoses, and heels. Then he pulled a basket off the floor with her favorite shampoo and soap, he had put a razor and toothbrush in as well.

"See now you have no reason to leave."

She couldn't help but smile at this memory. That night had been so special. They had decided to take things slow, and Tony had been so understanding. In addition to her outfit and toiletries Tony had bought her pajamas, a purple silk top and bottom; very modest. This had made her smile. That first night she stayed over, they just laid in bed together. No sex, they just held each other. It was that night that Michelle knew she could never live, at least never fully without Tony.

As she reached the ICU the memory faded as she saw Tony lying in the hospital bed unconscious. She went in found a chair and pulled it up next to his bed. His face looked pale but peaceful. His shoulder was all wrapped up and he had a pinstriped hospital robe on.

Tears began streaming down her face and she found herself grabbing his limp hand. As she looked down, she noticed that he still had on his wedding band. This brought the memory of the day he proposed back to her.

They had been dating for eight months and it had been wonderful. Tony had made plans to take her dancing one Saturday night. She had picked out a black dress to wear; it was strapless and flared at the bottom. She had pulled her curls back and left a few down because she knew that Tony liked them. He had picked her up, he was in a black suit with a white button up shirt. He had left the top few buttons undone, which made him look sexy she had thought.

They were headed to dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse and about ten minutes before they arrived Tony's phone rang. She heard him arguing with the person on the other end, he seemed flustered and after about a minute hung up the phone. He explained to her that Chapelle needed him to check out a lead that had come in.

"I'm so sorry baby." He had looked so pained. He grabbed her hand and held it in his, stroking it as they drove.

The car ride was filled with small talk, she remembered how disappointed she had been, how close she was to tears because CTU had once again messed up their plans. They were headed towards the coast of L.A. and after twenty minutes they arrived at a house bordering the beach.

Tony parked in the driveway and got out of the car and came around to her side and opened the door. He asked her to come with him and they both approached the door. When they reached the front porch Tony knocked on the door. When no one answered he opened the door. As he moved aside Michelle held her breath, on the ground were hundreds of white rose petals. Then on top of the white petals was a path of red petals and candles were lit everywhere. She began to cry, it was such a shock and she was so touched.

Tony took her hand and led her along the path of red roses. It led out to the deck where there were more candles and petals. Michelle was still in shock as Tony led her off the deck onto the beach where he had set up a blanket with champagne and a picnic basket. They sat down and he poured her a glass and pulled out their favorite meal-Chinese. Whenever they could they would order out from the local Chinese restaurant and feed each other with chopsticks; often ending up missing each other's mouths and just getting messy.

"Tony this is wonderful."

He put his hand on her lips and she stared into his eyes. As she looked into his eyes she saw an intensity and love that gave her peace and made her feel so safe. Tony pushed play on a small CD player and Tony Bennett began to play. He grabbed her hand, pulled her up, and held her in his arms and began to dance with her. She was in heaven and could have stayed this way forever. They danced like this for several songs.

Tony then suggested that they walk along the beach, she agreed and wrapped her arm around his. They walked in silence just taking in the touch of the other. Tony soon offered her his jacket because she was getting chilly. A few minutes later Tony stopped walking and put his hand on her hips. He was looking into her eyes and she felt weak in the knees. He put his hand on her cheek and brushed her hair behind her ear and kissed her tenderly. Then he pointed behind her and told her to look in that direction. She didn't see anything and when she turned around Tony was on one knee holding a black velvet box. The ring was beautiful, a gold band with a solitaire diamond. She started to cry and she bent down on eye level with him.

"Michelle, you are my life. I can't imagine how I ever lived my life without you, the thought of you fills my heart with happiness and when I'm holding you I'm holding my world. Michelle Dessler will you be my wife?"

She couldn't stop the flow of tears that was coming from her eyes. His words made her feel more loved than ever. She knew that her life with Tony would be perfect. As she composed herself, she looked into Tony's eyes and started nodding her head.

"Yes, yes of course Tony. I can't tell you how happy you have made me." She leaned in and kissed him. They shared a passionate kiss and knew in that moment that there was no one else for them.

Up until now Michelle had been so in awe of this romantic night that she hadn't thought about where they were. While in his arms she asked him where they were and he told her that it was their new home. Michelle couldn't breath, "You bought this for us?" Tony nodded and took her hand. They walked back towards the house hand in hand. When they nearly reached the stairs Tony swept her up in his arms and walked her up to the living room. Michelle looked around marveled at the beauty of the house. There were wooden floors and it overlooked the ocean. She didn't have long to admire the house for Tony quickly picked her up again and took them upstairs to their new bedroom.


	5. Chapter 5

All of a sudden Michelle felt a hand on her shoulder and snapped out of her memory. She looked up and saw Jack and Audrey. She wiped a few stray tears away.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

"Yeah we're fine, the information we got was great and has given us a clue to where Marwan is," answered Jack. "Listen, we're gonna head back to CTU, Secretary Heller wants you to stay here and wait on Tony, see if when he wakes up if he knows anything else."

Michelle met with Jack's eyes and she flashed him a look of gratitude. As Jack and Audrey left, Michelle put her hand on Tony's cheek and stroked it. She could feel his stubble and it gave her goose bumps. She ran her fingers through his wavy locks of hair. As she did this memories of their wedding day came pouring into her thoughts.

It had been four months after had had proposed, one year to the day of the bomb. They both thought it would be fitting seeing how if not for that day they may have never found themselves together.

It was an outdoor wedding; Kate Warner had volunteered her father's house. Michelle and Kate had grown close over the last year. She and Jack had begun a relationship so the four of them spent quiet a few evenings together.

The wedding would be small; just a few close personal friends from CTU and what little family they both had.

Both of Michelle's parents had died when she was in college and Danny wasn't speaking to her. She had asked Jack to give her away; he had been such a friend and someone who she truly looked up to. Work had been her life before she had met Tony and had few friends. She had chosen Kate to be her maid of honor for she was one person who Michelle had really bonded with.

Tony had a small family as well. He had two brothers, Carlos and Bernard. Carlos was his role model but he hadn't talked to Bernard in years and when he attempted to contact him, he had no luck.

Two hours before the wedding Michelle was putting her dress on with Kate's help. It was a white strapless dress, simple yet elegant. The train was moderate in length that would drag behind her. She left her hair curly and only put part of it up because she knew how much Tony loved her curls. Her veil went in the part of her hair that was up and covered her face. She felt beautiful and she hoped Tony would think so as well.

She was so excited; she never thought this day would come and now it was here.

There was a knock at the door, Jack stuck his head through the door and peaked in. He walked in and looked at Michelle. He told her how beautiful she looked and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. He then grabbed Kate and gave her a kiss and told her how beautiful she was as well. He asked Michelle if she was ready; she smiled and took his arm as he offered it.

They walked out the porch where Carlos was waiting to escort Kate down the aisle before Michelle and Jack. Michelle had picked out a lavender color for Kate's dress and the bouquets were white and pink roses with lavender lilies in the mix.

Kate and Carlos made it down the aisle and it was now Michelle's turn. As all eyes looked her all she saw was Tony. He was smiling and had a look in his eyes that gave her even more certainty of this day. It seemed to take forever to reach him and when she finally did she let out a small sigh of relief.

He took her hand ever so gently and they turned to look at the minister. His words were a blur to her, all she could think of was that she was going to be married to Tony. When the time for the vows arrived she began to focus. They had decided to write their own and neither had heard the others yet.

Tony grabbed her hands and looked into her eyes. "Michelle, you are the love of my life. Never in my dreams could I have imagined finding someone like you and now that I have you there is nothing that could come that could end my love for you. I will protect you with all of my strength and I will never leave your side. I want to spend the rest of my life with you no matter what; you are my everything.

As he finished a tear rolled down Michelle's cheek. Michelle prepared to begin her vows. She took his hand and began to speak. "Tony, you are my rock and my strength. With you I see my future and know there is no one else. Know that I love you with all my heart and nothing could change that. I will be there for you whenever you need me and help you through anything that happens."

They stared at each other and saw the love that was present. The minister asked for the rings and as Tony placed the wedding band on her finger she felt like her future was sealed.

As she though about this she squeezed his hand. "Tony I'm sorry I didn't stay. You hurt me so badly when you shut me out. I wanted to help you and you wouldn't let me." She touched his chest and hated herself for breaking her vows, for leaving him in his time of need. She was exhausted and could barely keep her eyes open. Her eyes became heavy and her head slowly fell onto Tony's chest.


	6. Chapter 6

As he began to come out of his anesthesia, Tony felt a weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and saw Michelle asleep. She was the last person he expected to see and was consumed with guilt. How could she be here with him now after how he had hurt her.

His mind drifted back to that last day of his life before prison. He knew when he had helped Saunders escape that he would go jail, but he couldn't let anything happen to Michelle. When he said goodbye to her at CTU his heart was broken. She was alive but he would have to live without her; if that was even possible. It wasn't prison that scared him; it was a life without her and the knowledge that he had left her alone.

His time spent in jail was fairly short; six months of what should have been life. Had it not been for Jack and President Palmer he would still be in jail although the way his life was going jail may have been better. Those six months had been lonely. Michelle was allowed weekly visits for two hours. At first they were spent just holding each other and talking about their weeks.

But after about a month Tony began to shut down and became more and more withdrawn. He felt so embarrassed that he had put Michelle in a position where she had to go to a federal penitentiary every week. What kind of husband would make his wife do something like that? He couldn't even think of the alternative of jail time, which would have been life without Michelle. No all that he thought of was that he was a traitor.

Then the day came when Michelle walked in with a huge smile; something he hadn't seen for a long time. She was holding a piece of paper and when he saw it he knew what it was immediately. She waved it around and yelled, "You're free baby, you're free." A presidential pardon was his only way out and he had it.

That first night they spent together Tony didn't know what to do. He was so happy to have Michelle back yet so plagued with guilt. He spoke very little on the way to their house and when she tried to kiss him he backed away.

As the months moved by their relationship deteriorated. He couldn't bring himself to forgive himself for his jail time. He began drinking and gradually shut Michelle out completely. Sometimes he would look at her and think about how much he loved her and how much he wanted to grab her in his arms and just hold her. But then he would be filled with the guilt and just take another drink out of his beer.

Michelle moved her head slightly, which brought him out of his thoughts. She was breathing deeply and he could tell that she was sound asleep. It had been so long since he had watched her sleep. There was a time when it was one of his favorite things to do. Looking at her now he was filled with a deep sense of longing for her. But then his mind turned to the worse day of his life; the day Michelle left him.

It had been six months since he had been released from jail. He had not been able to find a job and had barely touched Michelle since he had been back. She had been promoted to District, which was another reminder of his inability to provide for his wife. He spent his days watching ESPN and drinking.

When Michelle came home from work she was crying. Tony wanted to ask her what was wrong but it had been so long since they had talked he couldn't bring himself to. She came over to him on the couch and started talking; he could tell she was trying to keep back the tears.

"Tony, I can't live like this anymore. I love you so much but you've shut me out. I'm going to stay with Kate for a while; I'm sorry.

He felt a tear on his cheek after this memory. He hated how he had hurt her and made her leave. He had become so emotionally dead that by that night he didn't even care that she was leaving an, it was an escape for his guilt.

As he looked at Michelle asleep on his chest he gently stroked her hair. She had it straight, a reminder that her curls were no longer his. He moved from her hair to her cheeks and caressed her smooth skin. He stared at her lips and remembered the passionate kisses that they had shared together. His hand rested on her check and he fell back into his sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Michelle began to awake when she felt warmth on her face. As she realized it was Tony's hand she wanted to cry. This had been the first time in nearly a year since she had felt his touch. She hated herself for leaving him when he was so hurt, but she had been in pain as well.

Two days after Tony had been arrested she had had a sharp pain in her stomach. It soon became so intense she had to go to the hospital. She was in an exam room for about two hours when the doctor came in.

"Ms. Dessler, I'm sorry to tell you that you've lost your baby. You were immune to the Cordilla virus but your baby was not."

Michelle gave him a blank stare. "Baby?"

The doctor realized she hadn't known and gave her a sympathetic look.

"You were 6-7 weeks pregnant; you just went through a miscarriage."

At hearing those words Michelle began to weep. Her world was coming undone before her. She had lost her husband and their child within three days. The doctor let her stay in the exam room as long as she needed. As she sat there she felt such loss. Even though she hadn't known she still felt such a pain.

Sitting there, she decided not to tell Tony, at least not while he was in jail. He already had enough to hurt him, no need to add to his grief. She was strong; she could deal with this on her own. But she couldn't, as time went on she began to resent Tony for not being there for her when she was hurting so badly. She knew she shouldn't be blaming him; he didn't even know. Even after she had left she hadn't told him and she didn't plan to.

But as she looked at him lying in his bed she thought about how much she would love to have children with this man. That thought was brushed aside when Tony began to stir. She quickly moved her hand away from his face, brushed her hair back and tried her best to look professional.

As Tony opened his eyes the first thing he realized was Michelle was no longer on his chest. He saw her sitting up in a chair next to his bed staring off across the room.

"Hey," he said.

She turned to look at him. "Hey, how are you feeling?"

He looked into her face and thought he saw a look of concern but he knew it couldn't be. "I'm fine, a little tired," he paused, "You don't have to stay here with me Michelle, you look tired go home."

She looked at him with a look of concern. "Tony," she said softly, "Don't do this again, don't do this to me. Stop trying to shut me out."

As he watched her hard face melt away, he knew he had to say something. "Michelle, I'm not trying to push you away, I can see how tired you are and you need to go home." He could see the hint of pain on her face and took his hand and placed it on her cheek. Her face moved against his hand and she closed her eyes. She placed her hand on top of his and they looked at each other.

For a moment things felt like they had before the divorce. Tony took her hand, looked into her eyes and smiled, "Go home, I'm just gonna fall asleep, the doctor said I can be released tomorrow."

She squeezed his hand, "I can pick you up if you need a ride," she said caringly. He was afraid to open up to her so quickly because he knew that one wrong move could bring this chance at happiness crashing down.

"That's okay, Jack said he was gonna come by, we both have to debrief back at CTU anyway." To make sure she didn't take this as a rejection he brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it gently.

A tear rolled down here cheek, "Well I'll at least stay until you fall asleep."

He let a smile come across his face, a wordless agreement.

They sat there for a few minutes just looking at each other trying to reclaim their feelings that had been buried for so long now. The morphine began to kick in and his eyelids began to drop. His breathing became heavy and she could tell he was asleep.

She wanted to stay but knew she needed to get back to CTU so she could check out and go home. She looked at him and thought again how close she had come to losing him. As she got up to leave, she leaned in and kissed him softly on his lips. She lingered there for just a second remembering the sweetness of his kiss.

As she left thoughts flowed through her head of Tony. Was it possible after so long he was coming back to her? How she wanted to let him back into her life. But could she take the chance after how he had hurt her before. What if something else happened and he shut her out again? It was hard enough to take the first time she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it again.

But having it back again would be more than she could hope for. She knew they had connected tonight and at least on her part she had rediscovered the love that ran so deep for Tony. She felt like Tony still had feelings for her as well. During that day she knew the looks they had given each other and could see the love in his eyes.

She had been the one who left him; she knew she had to be the one to go to him. Tomorrow she would see him, tomorrow. As she left she smiled thinking about having Tony back again.


	8. Chapter 8

Tony was sitting in his easy chair at their house. Living there was difficult without Michelle. Everything reminded him of her. No matter where he looked he could find a memory of the two of them. He actually slept in the guest bedroom because the bedroom brought back the best memories-it reminded him how much he missed her touch, her kisses, and her body. He had taken down all their pictures—all but one. It was their wedding picture taken up close of them kissing. It was so beautiful and he couldn't let go of her completely.

Jack had picked him up from the hospital earlier in the day. He had told Tony that he was just taking him home; CTU would send an agent over for the debriefing. Tony had gone back to the house and thought about the day before. It had been so long since he had seen Michelle and even longer since he had felt her touch. Those few moments at the hospital together had made him think there might have been a chance for them. But he knew it was just because he had been hurt. She had left him; clearly she didn't want him back.

As he sat there thinking about her touch, he heard a knock at the door. He got up to answer thinking it would be the agent from CTU. When he opened the door Michelle was standing there holding a bag of Chinese food. She looked so beautiful, she was wearing her hair curly and it was falling against her back. She smiled at him and he smiled back.

"Hey, are you here for the debrief?" Tony asked.

"Ah, no. I just thought I'd stop by and see how you were feeling. I can leave if you're busy."

Tony was in awe and couldn't believe what he was hearing. He quickly replied. "No, no come on in. I haven't eaten in a while anyway." He took her coat and laid it on a chair in the dinning room.

As she sat on the couch she looked around and noticed how bare everything had become. All their pictures had been taken down—she couldn't blame him for that, she had done the same.

He had grabbed two plates and went to grab some wine but decided not to push it. They enjoyed their dinner, the atmosphere was strained but more than they had had in months. As they finished up dinner, Tony took their plates and went into the kitchen to wash them. Michelle went with him and dried the dishes as he handed them to her.

He didn't want this to end; it was the closest he had been to her since he had gone to jail. He gathered his strength and asked, "It's pretty warm outside, do you wanna take a walk?"

She looked at him and smiled, "That would be nice."

They walked out on the deck and down onto the beach. They took their shoes off and began to walk in the sand, their hands brushed against each other and Tony reached and grabbed Michelle's hand.

As they walked along, each was aware of the closeness of the other and wished for the courage to move closer. He asked how she liked working at division and about how Kate was doing. She tried to ask about his life but couldn't find the right questions to ask.

The moon was full which lit their path well. The more they talked the less strained the conversation became. It seemed like they were being taken back to the days before jail. They came up on a sand dune and went to sit down. The ocean waves provided a steady sound to which they sat in silence.

As they sat next to each other Michelle ached for Tony. How had she gone all these months without him? The familiarity of the beach provided a comfort and having him next to her was more than she could take. She looked into his eyes and he gazed back at her. There was a connection there that brought her love for him to the surface and all she wanted was to be as close to him as possible.

As if he could read her mind, Tony moved as close as he could to her body and wrapped his arms around her. She couldn't speak and didn't want to for fear of ruining this moment. She simply laid her head on his shoulder and they sat listening to the waves.

As they sat there Michelle knew that she wanted more than his touch but knew that she would have to make the first move. After all, she was the one who had left him. Gathering her strength she rotated her body to face him and looked directly into his eyes. In them she saw her future and couldn't imagine living the rest of her life without him.

She placed her hand on the back of his head and felt the curls of his jet-black hair. Gently pulling him towards her she closed her eyes and when their lips met and they began kissing one another. There was no time lost on slow gentle kisses, they both longed for each other and had for so long that their passion over took their reason.

That night when they had made it back to the house and were lying in bed together Tony gazed at Michelle as she slept. His mind kept moving back to the beach where they had made love. It was so perfect and he wanted the moment to last forever. As he watched her sleep he could see her body move up and down as she slept and couldn't help but think of how beautiful she was.

He wanted to stay like this forever not think about the issues that would have to be discussed. He wished the last two years could be erased and that tonight could have just been an ordinary night in their married life.

After tonight he knew he couldn't go back to his life as it had been without her. These thoughts were making him forget the wonder of the night and so he pushed them out temporarily and wrapped his arms around Michelle and fell asleep next to her.

When he woke up again it was morning. Michelle was still sleeping and he didn't want to wake her but he wasn't sure if she needed to get to work. He took one last look at her in her peaceful sleep and as he put his lips against her cheek he ran his hands through her hair.

"Hey baby, I hate to wake you."

A smile appeared across her face and she raised herself up on her elbow and began tracing her fingers across his chest.

He loved the way that felt and pulled her towards him and began kissing her neck. "So, do you have to go into Division today?" He asked in between running his lips from her neck to her bare shoulder.

As she met his lips with hers she rolled on top of him and looked into his eyes. "Only if you want me to."

He grabbed her head and kissed her deeply. "Aren't you feeling a little under the weather?"

"Well I am pretty tired. I had a pretty tiring night. I should probably take a day off—you know a preemptive sick day."

He loved her so much and couldn't believe she was willing to skip a day of work for him.

"Well I wouldn't want you to get too sick." He kissed her one last time and lingered on her lips for a moment. He rolled her over on her side and smiled at her. "And just to make sure you stay healthy, I'm gonna make you a good breakfast. So you stay in bed and save your strength—you're gonna need it."

Michelle was practically glowing as Tony walked down the stairs. Last night had been so perfect, she had longed for Tony for so long since the divorce and now it seemed everything was falling into place perfectly. Tony had been so open and caring like he had been before jail. That was the man she loved and the one she couldn't live without.

She wanted to be with him so she decided to join him in the kitchen. Looking through his drawers to find something to wear, she grabbed a pair of boxer shorts and a large T-shirt.

As she entered the kitchen he was by the stove mixing what appeared to be pancake mix. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He turned around and smiled.

"Hey don't you look sexy. I thought I told you to save your strength and stay in bed." He turned around giving her a frontal hug.

"I just wanted to see you in the kitchen and make sure you didn't screw it up."

"Hey, I take offense to that, I'm a pretty decent chef." And with that he picked up the wooden spoon he was using to mix the batter with and flung the mix on her. She was immediately transformed into a silly schoolgirl and picked up two eggs and hurled them at his face. Within five minutes the kitchen was a mess and they were covered in a sticky mess.

"So much for breakfast," Tony commented.

"I wasn't that hungry anyway, but I could really go for a shower."

At that Tony ran across the kitchen floor, swept Michelle up in his arms, and walked her up the steps to the bedroom.

As they were lying in bed next to one another Michelle placed her head on Tony's shoulder and her hand on his bare chest. She couldn't believe this was happening, that that she was in bed with Tony.

Two days ago she never would have believed it could happen yet now it just seemed so natural, so right. She ran her fingers across the stitches from his surgery. She thought of how close she had come to losing him forever. As her hand brushed against his back, he rolled over to face her and smiled.

She smiled back and whispered, "God I love you." It had seemed so right that she didn't even think about it. His face lit up and she could tell by his eyes that every wall that had been built up was now destroyed and he was once again open to her.

Hearing those words made him catch his breath. How he had longed to hear them for so long now. Placing his one hand on the small of her back and the other on her cheek he gently ran his thumb across her skin, looked into her eyes, and said, "I love you too baby, I never stopped, you were the only one I ever thought of, you're the only one I'll ever think of."

And with that they took each other in their arms and held on as tight as they could between their kisses. When they had finally gotten so hungry that their stomachs were growling, they both went down to the kitchen to make some food.

Michelle suggested they pack a lunch and eat it on the beach. As they spread their blanket out and sat down, they ate their lunch and Michelle leaned her back against Tony's chest.

They sat in each other's arms for what seemed like hours until Tony broke the silence. He grabbed Michelle's hand and connected his fingers with hers. Placing his cheek on hers and feeling the warmth of her body he found the strength to speak.

"Michelle, when I kissed you in CTU right before they took me to jail, I was scared. I didn't think that was possible after almost losing you twice in one day, but it was there and it was real. Knowing that I couldn't be near you everyday was killing me, but thinking of you by yourself made it even worse. As the days went on in jail, I couldn't stop blaming myself for the pain you were feeling. On the days that we saw each other I wanted to hold you so badly and tell you everything that was in my heart but something inside of me had shut off and I couldn't as hard as I tried respond to you. I don't know what was wrong with me Michelle."

As he spoke he could feel the warmth of her tears on his cheek. He turned and looked at her and used his thumb to gently brush her tears away.

"Don't cry, I don't want this to hurt you, you need to know this, know that I will never do anything like that again."

She looked at him with open eyes and said, "You don't have to do this, we were both different people then, I love you and that's all that matters."

"No babe, I need to tell you this or I'll never be able to let it go."

Before he started speaking, she wrapped her arms as tightly as she could around his legs to feel as safe as she could.

"After the pardon, I thought things would get better but I just couldn't let go of those feelings that I had built up in jail. I felt like such a failure and a disappointment to you. Getting close to you emotionally or physically seemed an impossibility because I couldn't imagine what I would have done if I caused you more pain. So for some twisted reason in my mind, I just chose to shut you out thinking that would somehow bring you less pain than dealing with me."

At this point Michelle turned to face Tony cupping his face with both of her hands and began kissing him. "Tony, being with you has never hurt me, it's being without you that kills me. After prison you were so vacant, I just thought you were blaming me for putting you in prison.

With that she began to sob and his heart went out to her. How he hated himself for doing this to her. "Michelle, I could never blame you for putting me in jail. You're the reason I live, jail was tough but not having you would be unbearable."

He took her in his arms and held her. As they did this he put his hand on the back of her neck, placed his lips by her ear, and repeated, "I love you, I love you so much."

After a few minutes she became limp in his arms, which caused him to hold her tighter. "Michelle, a year and a half ago I wasn't the man I should have been, I told you I'd be your rock and I wasn't. But I swear to you, I will never hurt you again."

He looked at her face and saw a pain that he knew he had caused. The joy that had been there the day before was gone and her whole demeanor changed in that instant. When he said those words, something clicked within her and all the pain of the last two years had come back to her. A tear rolled down her face and she began to speak.

"Tony, how can you say that?" Her voice had risen and stung him like daggers. "You swore to me once that you wouldn't hurt me and look what happened. Clearly you can't make that promise; you don't know what will happen. What if something tears us apart again? I don't know if I could handle that pain again."

She turned away from him and began to cry even harder. He moved his hand and placed it on her back. When his hand touched her, he could feel her body tense up.

"Tony, I need to go. So much has happened within the last 24 hours and I need to sort it out in my head." She paused and turned her body and looked into his eyes. "I do love you, but I just don't know if my love will be strong enough to sustain me if you hurt me again. I'm so sorry, I just need to sort this out for myself."

Hearing this crushed him but he didn't want her to see this. "Do you want me to walk you back?"

She silently shook her head and as she got up she looked into his eyes and he could see her pain and his heart broke for they had come so close and with just a few words it had all come crashing down like a house of cards. He wouldn't let it end like this; he knew it wouldn't end like this. He would have Michelle back again; his life depended on it.


End file.
